Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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