i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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