the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
