good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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