I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
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