My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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