so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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