Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
