He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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