i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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