sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
