its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
