Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
