is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
