you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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