take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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