everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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