That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
