Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
