she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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