Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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