marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
