Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
