she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
