I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
