I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
