she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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