then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
