One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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