the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You surviving the open bar?
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Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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