seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
