Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
