in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
