My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
