we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Randomize
