Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
