life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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