my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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