I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
