My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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