If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
