i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
