i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
