just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
