do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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