It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
