So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
