Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
