I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
