i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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