The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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